Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so.

Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so. ~Cicero

I am back at it... Working away and I felt I needed a break... I break to you blog, I break to you. I enjoy putting words to paper... or...screen?

Anyway, I don't have much to report other than I got to spend a bit more time with Damien last night for a few hours. Fed him pizza and "Fuzzy" juice. It wasn't really fuzzy, it was Lemon Lime Koolaid but he thought it was kinda fuzzy so that was funny when he said he didn't want to eat "cause that's hot and that's fuzzy"

Cute kid, can be so sweet but opinionated with a strong personality. He towards the end of the night had a little melt down due to exhaustion perhaps but generally we had a good time. When he starts something he doesn't want to stop and I see some of myself in him.

Back to work...

Feeling off...

It's been a few days so I thought I should check in and unload.

So let me start by saying things are... good. Great on some fronts, ok on others, and then of course terrible in a few others. I think that balances out to being pretty ok. ;-)

Work continues to challenge my patience but that ship keeps moving forward without much happening outside the norm but there are some days where I just want to walk away and go back to being my own boss. Sometimes being in charge of more than a dozen other people can wear on you when shit rolls downhill. But that won't be changing anytime soon and as I have always said;

Speaking of things I cannot change, I was lucky enough to get a continuance on my custody trial for my son Damien with NO DATE. That means the courts are going to sit back and wait for us to finish with mediation. I think that is mostly good news IF mediation goes as well as I hope. It has been a great weight on my shoulders for so long... not just the fact I have only seen my son a half dozen times in his 4 years of life but also the volatility of it all. I have always thrived on routine and knowing what to expect. Now this is in the air I don't know how it will affect my life... my schedule... my budget? I just want some resolution so I know when I can see my son again... Only once in the last 4 months is not ok with me...

I titled this post "Feeling Off" because I am... and I don't know why. I am relatively in touch with my being and this feels unusual... I feel like my head is in a thick fog, lethargic, nausea comes in waves... I am pawning it off on stress or being somehow overly exhausted but truly I wonder and have a slight concern. Maybe I am just overwhelmed with the fact I am in a Tax Audit where they are claiming my business owes an extra 13,000 in taxes?? Or this custody case that has been drug on forever... or numbers being down at work... or being a single father with only a little help from Mikala's mom? Or being madly in love and in a fast moving relationship...?

I don't know but I know that I am happy and today has been an ok day... yesterday was an ok day and tomorrow is going to be a GREAT day... it will be FRIDAY! ;-) Maybe I just need to relax...

Well back to work! And here is to another OK day. Happy Thursday.

~Michael

I should be sleeping...

Monday... Another day in paradise...not! I am surrounded by everything a guy could want but I long for touch, for love and for affection. I long for Amanda. :-)

Life goes on even without the things that make us happy. All in all it was a good day. I am trying really hard to keep my thoughts AND my blog more global and not so one dimensional.

Work went well for the most part I was able to tackle all the key areas on my list and start on some projects I have been meaning to make progress in for some time. I thank god for being more organized and delegating more over the last few months. Running reports on how we are riding out the lull and slow period was encouraging to see a 70% growth DURING the slow time this year compared to last.

I am thankful for the things I have and recognize how quickly everything can be taken from you. I am so lucky to have this beautiful little girl, steady work and unfathomable job security, as well as a gorgeous girlfriend who makes me feel loved and like a generally better person.

I have things I probably should be doing... sleep is somewhere on that list but my mind is racing so for now I am struggling to focus and prioritize the things I need and the things I want into a reasonable plan I can execute.

I will try again tomorrow...

~Michael

Good Morning!

Waking up next to her has got to be somewhere on the list for greatest things in the world...

Wanted to hop on and wish you all a morning as good as mine. I got to wake up next to the most beautiful girlfriend a guy could hope for. So really its all downhill from here... She had to go to work... so did I... and now the chaos begins around me even now as I type.

I have made my list of thing to do and now all I have to do is to do them... I want to stay productive and efficient for the sake of my work but I can't lie that I do find my mind wandering back to her again and again. I wonder how this happened again... so in love... but even more than ever and different somehow... deeper and more meaningful than ever before. Like we have connections that were only made for us. She fits in my arms like the missing piece to a beautiful puzzle I could never enjoy until now.

So my flaws boil to the surface as I adopt some introspect to begin to over analyze, worry, and rationalize my past mistakes and catalog them under "Lessons I only want to learn once." Still this seems different.. I didn't let this fall into my lap like in the past... I didn't just pursue someone who expressed a slight interest in me... I saw something *I* wanted for a change and followed my instincts. I have spent my whole life making decisions for someone else's best interests. Again different somehow... I believe the right ingredients exist here and this can stand to be the *right* and not the *right now* if I can only hang on to her.

I hope that if I am out of times to be correct in this lifetime this will be my crowning achievement because I love her and I intend to do everything in my power to make this the last time I fall in love.

To another day at the salt mine... Happy Monday!

~Michael

Disbelief...

Ugh! Sooo frustrated and exhausted! I can't believe it... AprilMay and I had a mediation scheduled for 1:30 PM today and she called me at 1:00 saying she had made it to Utah but would not make it to the mediation... setting my frustrations aside I asked her to call in to the mediation instead...

I mean that is part of the reason for me giving her a $9000+ dollar car... So she could take better care of my son, use it to allow me to see him more, and deal with the court things we needed to do in order for me to get some rights and some time concerning my son....

Anyway... we were able to get her on the phone a little after 2... while I waited on her I explained the entire situation to the mediator as well as my understanding of what we had already worked out. The frustrating part was when she showed up she basically said she didn't "fully" agree with everything I explained to him so we had to start all over.

I only want as close to half and half as possible which I think is fair and what's best for my son. She kept him from me for 4 years!!! Was unresponsive to my pleas for involvement, my requests for an address, my desperate attempts to have him in my life. She avoided my subpoena, changed her address a half dozen times, needed state assistance, separated from her lesbian lover and continued being a kid without letting me in..... so really why can't I get the time I deserve so I can being to mend the relationship I have been denied for 4 years.

I have only seen him once in 4 months as it were even AFTER I have tracked her down and begun all this court stuff. I just want a schedule so I know when I can see him and he knows when he can see me... I am tired of being a victim in this situation and him not knowing me like he should. I have Mikala sooo much and love every minute with her, have a great relationship with her, and I feel bad I don't have that with him. :-(

Anyway an hour and a half later we are at an impasse and she is fighting giving up much... The silver lining... The mediator I think knows what I am going through and promised me to get some paperwork done for a swift resolution. I had to pay her half of the fee too because she wasn't prepared to pay and the mediator wouldn't do anything until he was paid.

Sigh...So now we wait...

A light ahead?!

Good evening potential readers... just wanting to highlight what could be an important event in my life...Perhaps I should bite my tongue but tonight felt to be a turning point in what has been a seemingly mundane existence. I took Mikala on a play date with an old high school friend I have 'crushed' on for as long as I can remember knowing of her. Much to my surprise the feeling I have had about her all this time may have turned out to be true. It has been a long time while I have made a few failed and maybe weak attempts to catch her eye in the past. To no avail until now somehow against all odds I was invited to her home to visit...

We flirted some while the kids played but I felt instantly enamored by the twinkle in her green eyes when she smiled. I find her to be a gorgeous women but also maternal, funny, responsible, kind and caring... plus this is the first time in my life where I have pursued something I wanted on a whim. So fingers crossed... :-)


At this point I am just glad she isn't avoiding me and maybe we will get to know each other a little more in time.


Mikala had fun with her son Ayden and I am glad she has a kid her age. It was hard for Mikala to lose a sister and right now she needs friends but so do I. They played well and while this time I was a little reserved and shy I think we can all have a lot of fun together regardless of my romantic inclination.


A little saddened at the moment because I took Mikala to her mothers house so they can spend the morning together. It seems it has come to this just to make sure they have a relationship.Her work schedule is such that she can really only see her once a week reasonably. I feel like I have worked so hard to keep a good relationship between all of us that I have no choice but to be patient and flexible while things work themselves out...

Well this post was more a stream of consciousness than anything.. not winning an award anytime soon but I am also very tired and distracted by this girl that occupies my mind... Goodnight all.

~Michael